Preparing Your Heart For Something That Never Comes

Preparing Your Heart For Something That Never Comes

Infertility is tough, but what can make it even harder is holding  onto that small shred of hope. The hope that maybe the countless doctors are wrong. The hope that maybe just maybe you could be part of the small percentage of people who prove everyone wrong. The hope that one day you’ll get to hold your own baby in your arms. Sadly though I’m beginning to think that holding on to that hope is pointless.

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Some Days Are Tough And That’s Alright

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It goes without saying that some days are tough, while others are blissfully easy. This same logic applies with living with infertility, I’ve found that the majority of the time you can be completely fine and get on with life like everyone else around you. Yet there are some days that are so painful that it’s hard to breathe, let alone function. Sometimes things or events can set these moods off , but for me it’s more that I’ve woken up that day and my brain has gone “Haha nope not working today!” even though I know I have to carry on as normal. Now I’m incredibly lucky that this doesn’t happen often for me, sure I’ll have moments some days that will trigger a tearful moment but after a good cry I’m usually okay and can continue as normal.

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Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

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If there’s one thing I’ve heard endlessly over the last few years it’s “It’s no big deal you can’t have a child of your own, why don’t you just adopt?” I usually smile politely and reply with “yeah, maybe” and change the subject. Recently though, when someone said this to me I found myself filled with a new found confidence, and although I had tears in my eyes I found myself saying “well you have your own children, why didn’t you adopt?!”  Honestly nothing and I mean nothing could’ve prepared me for her response. “Well I can have children, you can’t” needless to say I followed this with a hearty “fuck you” and walked away.

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Deciding To Write A Book About My Infertility

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Before I’d even decided to start writing about my infertility in detail on this blog, I had decided to write a book. This idea came to me just after Christmas when I’d scrolled through google and amazon for the millionth time trying to find a book/memoir by someone who was going through the same thing as me. All I’d really been able to find was books on what infertility is, how you can control symptoms, and what the different types of infertility are. I couldn’t find a single thing that was like “hey this happened to me to and you’re not alone”

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To The Women Who Have Received An Infertility Diagnosis

To The Women Who Have Received An Infertility Diagnois

To the women (and men) who have received an infertility diagnosis,

I am so sorry. Honestly and wholeheartedly, I truly, truly am sorry. I can still hear every word of my diagnosis echoing in my mind, I can still feel the agonising crushing pain in my chest when I think back to it. Of course it’s never just one talk. It’s numerous phone calls and more appointments for tests. Each one more heartbreaking than the last but please believe me when I tell you that you’re allowed to take time for yourself and grieve. This is a loss and it shall be mourned as one too, you are more than entitled to feel angry, upset, and lost. Do not let anyone ever try to tell you otherwise.

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Mother’s Day

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It’s currently 16:40 on Sunday 26th March 2017, and I will be completely honest when I say I haven’t left my bed yet today. I don’t think I can. It’s Mother’s Day today over here in the UK and yet again it’s a weird one for me. It’s the third Mother’s Day since being diagnosed with PCOS, it’s the first Mother’s Day since trying for a baby and then being a given an official infertility diagnosis, and the first Mother’s Day not seeing my mum (luckily for me my mum alive and well, I’ve just moved away from home. I’ll probably Facetime her later but it’s not the same)

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Why I Choose To Talk About My Infertility

Why I Choose To Talk About My Infertilty

Over the last few months I have been more vocal regarding my infertility than I have been over the last two and a half years, and honestly there’s only one reason as to why – I no longer feel ashamed… Okay that’s a lie I still feel ashamed, I just feel less ashamed. When I really think about it though, I find myself asking ‘why should I feel ashamed?’ and the simple answer is – I shouldn’t. For the last two and a half years I have well and truly beaten myself up over my diagnosis. I’ve asked whether it was my fault or anything I could’ve prevented. I’ve hated my body for ‘failing’ me. I’ve become scared of making it worse. I’ve found myself avoiding questions regarding my body and fertility. Mostly though I’ve felt ashamed because my body can’t do the sole thing we’re put on the planet to do. Reproduce.

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Choosing A Disney Honeymoon

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Planning a wedding has proven to be incredibly stressful, especially since our wedding is now only just over 4 months away. Four! FOUR!!!!  If I’m honest that’s actually a lot sooner than I thought haha! Buuuut I think we’re pretty much sorted now, my wonderful friend Tash is a dress maker and is kindly making my wedding dress for me, and after that we are all systems go! Continue reading