Infertility and My Mental Health

Infertility and My Mental Health

It’s no secret that I’ve battled with depression and anxiety since the age of about 13 years old. The depression would come and go whenever it saw fit and eventually left me alone in 2015. My anxiety however has remained a constant for the last ten years. Most days are pretty manageable but others are crippling where even getting out the door becomes the hardest thing in the world. I can’t go to new places alone, I’m yet to join everyone from work on a night out, and I would rather the ground opened up and swallowed me instead of having to meet someone new but that’s just who I am now.  Recently though the depression has made it’s way back in, but this time things are different and I know exactly what’s caused it… our good ‘friend’ infertility.

The last four months have been hard, harder than I’ve let on to anyone and I’ll be honest I’m really struggling. Back in January when I received the news that the NHS would no longer be helping me on our infertility journey (you can read about that here) I was immediately taken back to how I’d felt when I received my diagnosis two years before. For two years I had worked so hard to piece myself back together from the crumpled mess that my diagnosis had left me in and there I was right back at the start as if those two years had meant absolutely nothing. I was devastated, angry, and disgusted but I stuck a smile on my face and I’ve carried on with everything…sort of.

I promised myself that I would be as honest as I could on this blog so – I’ve reached a point where I can barely even manage to lift my head off the pillow in the morning, let alone do basic everyday things such as cook, clean, and sometimes even shower because I feel so depressed. I’m in a constant state of wanting to curl up in bed and go to sleep, while knowing that I have to pretend to the outside world like everything’s fine. I personally think it’s worse this time because in 2014 all I had to deal with was a diagnosis. This time around we’re dealing with a diagnosis while actively trying to conceive knowing that we’re not going to get any help from anyone, leaving me wondering why we’re even bothering. There have been nights I’ve cried myself to sleep in Mitch’s arms because I feel so useless and like the biggest failure on the planet, there have been times when I’ve been so angry at myself because my body can’t even get this right, and there have been times when I’ve been so heartbroken because I know that I’m probably never going to have that baby I’ve always dreamed of. Right now I’m broken but I can fix myself, I know I can. I’ve done it before and I’m sure I can do it this time, I just don’t even know where to begin or what to do. Poor Mitch has really taken everything in  his stride and is keeping the house running, but we both know that he shouldn’t have to be doing everything around the house. Especially when he’s trying to deal with this too.

The sad thing is though that I know I’m not alone. There are millions of men and women going through the same thing that I am yet there is no support, asides from the community that we’ve built ourselves. There are people out there who believe that infertility is something you deal with and get over, and that really isn’t the case. We have to process and deal with a diagnosis, then deal with the new ways we see our bodies while trying to remind ourselves that we aren’t the failures we think we are. We also have to deal with how close friends and family change the way they look at us and the way they speak to us. We have to live with our minds going four thousand miles an hour and deal with our diagnosis, while also trying to keep our sanity. Unfortunately though something’s got to give and for me I think it’s safe to say it’s been my mental health. My mum actually asked me a month or so ago if I was okay because it would be understandable if I wasn’t, I said “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”  but I’m not fine and I don’t think I will be for a long time but I’m going to work on it (Sorry Mum!!)

No one ever prepares you for infertility because it’s such a taboo and you’re taught in school that it’s so easy to get pregnant and that”s why you need to be so careful. God I WISH it were that easy. Nobody ever prepares you for the mental effects of infertility either, and I’d honestly say those are worse. Dealing with the knowledge that you may never have your own child is something you can sort of get your head around, hating everything about yourself and blaming yourself is something that you never get over. Ever. I’m learning though that it’s okay to be feeling this way, I am allowed to be sad and no one can tell me otherwise. Infertility is a loss and should be grieved as one, we all grieve in our own ways but I’m sure I’ll get there eventually… I hope.

 

 

 

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Infertility and My Mental Health

  1. wannabemamab says:

    Thank you for your honesty in this post. You are certainly not alone. I’ve struggled with depression since my late teens and was doing a pretty decent job of keeping it manageable through medication and therapy until infertility. The last two years have been especially difficult and some days it is tough to function. I’ve made adjustments to my treatment (both mental and fertility), but the pain of infertility and hopelessness one can feel doesn’t go away. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this, too. Sending you positive thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. whistlewhileyouwait says:

    Infertility wreaks havoc on just about every part of our bodies, souls, and minds. I am so sorry you have to go through it, but you are right, it is ok to be sad. It is ok to give yourself a break. It is ok to be honest. You are brave and awesome to share your true feelings, and it makes a big difference to others who feel so alone in this journey. Keeping you in my prayers and sending your big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. rebekahzoe says:

    You will get there my love! I can understand how you’re feeling though, I really can. I’m not going to rave on and say “oh, just stay positive” and all that but know that I send my love and support anytime. We will get through it! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ellan Dyson says:

      Thank you Rebekah ❤️ you’re an actual angel, I couldn’t have done a lot of this without your blog posts so thank you. You’re right we’ll get through this, and I’m always here for support if you need me xx

      Like

  4. jeweldyson says:

    Oh, Ellan, my heart aches for you. You’re right, nothing prepares you for an infertility diagnosis. The depression is expected (I think) but it seems like the Doctors are unprepared (?) to deal with it. I totally understand the not wanting to deal with life…I have been there. My advice “fake it til you make it.” I know it’s hard, but get up and get moving. You don’t have to “put on a smile” but at least get out of bed and sit in the sunshine if you can’t manage anything else. (sunshine is actually an anti-depressant!)
    Praying for you and sending loving thoughts and encouragement your way!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dubliner in Deutschland says:

    I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time recently. It’s heartbreaking to think that all your dreams of being a mum might never happen. Like you I also felt ill prepared and wished someone had warned or prepared me! Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lisa says:

    It’s the worse and no one understands unless you actually go through it. I’m struggling really hard today. I wasn’t due to “start” for another week and low and behold on Mothers day aunt flow came to town on top of more pregnancy announcements on social media. I’m sorry you have to go through this, I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone. Please know that you are not alone. Thank you for your blog post and I just put in depression and infertility on Pinterest and found. you.

    Like

    • Ellan Dyson says:

      Oh Lisa I’m so sorry to hear that. Mother’s Day is tough for all of us but we can all get through it with each others love and support. I’m really glad you found my blog, I hope that I can help make you feel less alone. Sending you so much love xx

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s